Out of the silence, we write! Bringing awareness on World Mental Health Day.

Out of the silence, we write!

Bringing awareness on World Mental Health Day.

Today is World Mental Health Day. It is a day to turn silence into stories. A day to break with stigma and shed the shame that surrounds mental health. Because we all carry burdens in those moments of immense pressure, and we find ourselves without the strength or hope to bear that heavy weight. It is through the shared stories that we find some again. A togetherness woven by similar experiences and emotions that we read in the stories of others. An unseen connection that breaks the loneliness of a heavy pain carried alone. Because we are never alone in our fights.

My story

I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 17. At that time, everything in my life had started to change. After years of bullying, I found myself surrounded by friends. I had my first boyfriend, and I was doing well at school. All was well, and yet it wasn’t. Because I could feel something growing underneath. Years of ignored trauma and emotions from my childhood had become a ticking time bomb inside my chest until it one day exploded. That’s when I felt nothing and everything so intensely , and often all at once.

I felt like an empty shell of myself, only filled with sorrow, rage, and a sense of hopelessness. Even with these intense feelings, shame was the one who kept me from speaking out. I thought others would not understand what I was going through. They would see me as strange and weird. The fear of losing my friends only intensified this need to keep it a secret. But it was a friend of mine who noticed and pushed me to reach out for help. My friends did understand at least the part that I would not be able to handle this beast on my own. So I started reaching out for help in school and to my doctor. But by then, my depression had such a tight grip on me after another traumatic moment in my life, that I completely broke down. I was hospitalized after I had harmed myself. Now, everyone knew. And to my surprise, everyone understood. They only did not understand why I did not speak up. Shame and fear had kept me from them.

Life moved on. It was as if nothing had happened. At least that was how I decided to deal with all that had happened before. A chapter I never wanted to reread again. I went through life building another time bomb inside my chest because I never learned how to deal with life any other way. Toxic relationships added trauma after trauma onto my back until I finally stood still. Life made me stand still.  

I was now a wife and a mother. There was no more adding on to the pile of trauma, so I forgot about the trauma. I was finally content and fine. Until I wasn't. My body still remembered the immense pressure of the huge pile of emotions and trauma I was carrying. All of it, still screaming at me for attention. Until I felt myself slipping underneath all that weight into darkness. Because depression is a beast that eats you whole. I became trapped in this numb state of being. Because of my depression, I developed severe insomnia, an eating disorder, and a complete loss of self. I knew I needed help because this time, I knew I would not be able to get a handle on this beast alone. Because I was a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend. My family became my lifeline in this darkness. I clenched my fist around it and kept it as a star close to my heart. This is why I need to get better. And I did, one step at a time.

I first turned to my family this time. Who understood I needed help and support. Then I turned towards my doctor, who helped me look for a therapist and offered support every month during a check-in. Therapy was what I wanted to focus on. It was important that I found someone who would help me try to untangle all my trauma and emotions. I knew it would take time, and to this day (6 years later), I am still in therapy fighting depression, C-PTSD, CEN, anxiety, and social anxiety. But now I am giving myself patience on my healing journey. No more running away. This time, I am facing my trauma head-on with compassion, understanding, and the strength of all that I have overcome.

What has helped me

• Therapy: It might feel easier to speak to a therapist than to someone close to you. Therapy has helped me to be more aware of my trauma, my reactions, my triggers, and my environment, so I can understand myself better and create space for my trauma.

• Accepting that I am not alone: You can reach out to friends, family, doctors, therapists, communities, and support groups. Share what you feel you are able to share. Even telling a friend or family member that you are not feeling so great lately can make a difference.

• Read and inform: Reading stories of others, be it a memoir, an article, or a poem. Reading the stories of others has given me strength and hope on the bad days. Also, reading up on trauma or depression and actually understanding how the brain works has made me understand myself more.

• Writing: Giving myself a voice has been life-changing in my healing process. From journaling and reflecting, to writing stories and poetry, or even keeping a diary. I do it all. It does not matter in what format you write. It is only important that you give yourself a voice.

• Nature and exercise: I know! I didn’t want to go outside or exercise on bad days either. But nature is a soothing balm for the human soul. So I started with small steps. I would take my tea or coffee in the yard and do some easy stretching while watching TV. Later on, I turned to Yoga to bring rest to my distressed body, and it has helped so much with the tightness in my body due to my PTSD.

• The one-thing rule: Do one small and easy thing for yourself every day. It sounds silly, but for me, it was drinking a glass of water first thing in the morning. I was already thirsty, so it was an easy habit to do for myself. Doing one thing consistently made it easier to add new habits to take care of myself.

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Poem

Today, I am sharing a poem I wrote two years ago about the stigma that many still feel surrounding mental health and how mental health often feels like a toxic “good vibe” trend instead of what it actually is. As a poet, I have felt this misunderstanding when I post poetry surrounding depression. They call it “haunting” or “spooky”, when what I am talking about is an actual reality for many.

Stigma

I keep hearing people preaching about breaking stigma

while they remain safely standing behind the sidelines.

All in good heart, I believe,

but if the rot starts to show, they quickly hurdle down the tracks,

wishing you all the best in your future endeavors with life.

When the truth is, my mind does not match

the aesthetic of today's society.

When all the while, mental health has become a deadly trend

that has lost its important meaning. For this very second,

while we breathe in one more time,

it might have already taken another life.

I know I am getting too dark,

but this is a harsh reality for many. To be trapped

in this all-consuming darkness and have no strength left

to find the way to a light switch.​

CoraLynn

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Prompts:

I first started sharing my writing with the thought of helping others feel less alone in life. Sharing my stories, while voicing my own emotions through the silky balm that is poetry. If anything today, I hope that you will write. Write in your diary, write a poem, write down your story, write a list of all you have overcome, write about the grief you feel.

When I started writing poetry, I would often write for poetry prompts. Because they made me search in new places in my heart, mind, and soul, and then reveal emotions that I have not spoken out about. To help you search, here are 10 poetry prompts you can twist, turn, and play with as you like. Whatever comes to mind, write it down and chase that with curiosity. You don’t have to share your writing, but if you do, let me know and I would love to read your take on these.

• Fractured reflections

• Mayhem in my mind

• Flowers no longer grow here

• The pen in my hand

• The darkness I never feared

• One step at a time

• Light switch

• My heart in a cage

• Out of the darkness

• Never alone

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Stories are the soothing balm to the harshness of the human experience.

Let them hold you on days when you do not know how to hold yourself.

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​If this resonates with you

Leave a comment sharing perhaps a part of your story or what has helped you through the bad days.

Or simply leave a heart emoji to say “me too”

Let’s remind each other that even through the struggles of life, we are never truly alone. 

Thank you for being here with me today and being part of the Gentle Quill community! Your support means the world to me!  Consider subscribing for free to receive my newsletter and support my creative work!

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All my love, CoraLynn 

A Gentle Quill